merchimerch | (no subject)

I think I feel really overwhelmed - I'm up against an article deadline and its proven to be much harder than I thought to get it done. I'm also facing the slow visa process, and I finally heard back from Uzbekistan and they've told me that we won't succeed by Aug 1, and that this is a very difficult visa to get, since it is for so long. I'm not sure what to do - I will talk to Ilse on Monday about talking to her Embassy contacts. I didn't think a visa for a year's research under a fulbright grant would be so impossible to get. R has taken time off of work for the past 2 days because he's worried about me and thus hasn't made money for the past 2 days and that worries me too - we still have large debts hanging over us. I'm worried about the future - everything seems so unstable right now. I keep coming back to my dad's comment that if PhDs were easy, then everyone would have one, but this just seems inordinately difficult right now. It would help if I were independently wealthy or even could stay in one place long enough to get a steady job. I'm sad about all the people I've lost this year and its making me rethink my priorities. However in rethinking them, I'm not sure I've made the wrong decisions. I'm just not sure I can continue on such an insane track for the rest of my career. I'm tired and burnt out and I am feeling a bunch of unsureness and a bunch of "why me." I wish I had a stronger sense of spiritual grounding, but I'm far too skeptical to believe that I can actually know the face of God/Goddess. I suppose I'm also missing the supportive community of friends I had in CA - I have made a few good friends here, but I don't feel really supported at the moment. So I keep crying and freaking out every so often - I feel bad for R, he is absorbing a lot of my stress and I know he's tired and worried.

I think this goes back to me feeling emotionally and mentally tapped - I don't feel like I have the reserves to deal with everything that’s going on in my life right now and, without insurance, I can't afford a head shrinker to help me with it.

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i'm sorry to read about everything that's been going on.

it sounds very much like the insane limbo i felt when all of my friends had moved away, john and i had just broken up, i was losing my job, and i had NO FUCKING IDEA what i was going to do with myself or my life. totally different circumstances... and yours must contain more grief than mind could have. i wish there was something i could do from here. i feel bad that it's taken me so long to catch up with your lj and realize that all of this was going on. (i've been working about 60-70 hrs. a week.)

but anyway -- i love you. and i'll try to have enough spiritual grounding for the both of us. sometimes, we have to understand that inauspicious circumstances occur for a reason. sometimes, things that feel so difficult are the universe's way of steering us in a new direction and forcing us to reassess and alter ourselves in some way. i truly believe that whatever happens over the next few months, you will find yourself on the other side of this trial happy and fulfilled. the way just isn't clear right now. and there doesn't appear to be any stability or support (besides R) that you can anchor yourself too.

i think years like the one you've had are hard -- such high highs coupled with such low lows. and not quite knowing how the balance or events will settle. hang in there. however it may feel right now, all WILL be well.

much love and support,
iyindo

*hugs*

I'm sorry things are so hard right now. Hang in there sweetie.

-hug-

I empathize, to a point. I've been doing a lot of reconsidering of my choices too.. like leaving UCLA, moving in with the boys, slogging through soul sucking BN.. all that fun stuff, which you've heard me bitch about before. But, for all that, I think that things will work out. You are too talented, too good at what you do, for you NOT to succeed. Although things right now seem determined to make you work for every scrap you get, when you succeed, it'll be all that much sweeter.

To sort of change the subject, we got your invitation, and are planning on being there that weekend. I'm going to talk to my managers about getting the time off next week. Would you be so kind as to email me at SOME point and tell me what the closest (or easiest) train station would be?

-hug-

Love,
Erin

there is a train station in Johnstown PA (also greyhound). If you get a better deal, I am happy to pick you up in Pittsburgh which is farther but a more major city. If you end up taking greyhound, there is a station in Breezewood which express buses go to that is about an hour from johnstown as well.

I am too tired to say much right now. I love you and you have my support and if you were here I would take you out for gelato to make things a little better.