(no subject)

[merchimerch]

I think I feel really overwhelmed - I'm up against an article deadline and its proven to be much harder than I thought to get it done. I'm also facing the slow visa process, and I finally heard back from Uzbekistan and they've told me that we won't succeed by Aug 1, and that this is a very difficult visa to get, since it is for so long. I'm not sure what to do - I will talk to Ilse on Monday about talking to her Embassy contacts. I didn't think a visa for a year's research under a fulbright grant would be so impossible to get. R has taken time off of work for the past 2 days because he's worried about me and thus hasn't made money for the past 2 days and that worries me too - we still have large debts hanging over us. I'm worried about the future - everything seems so unstable right now. I keep coming back to my dad's comment that if PhDs were easy, then everyone would have one, but this just seems inordinately difficult right now. It would help if I were independently wealthy or even could stay in one place long enough to get a steady job. I'm sad about all the people I've lost this year and its making me rethink my priorities. However in rethinking them, I'm not sure I've made the wrong decisions. I'm just not sure I can continue on such an insane track for the rest of my career. I'm tired and burnt out and I am feeling a bunch of unsureness and a bunch of "why me." I wish I had a stronger sense of spiritual grounding, but I'm far too skeptical to believe that I can actually know the face of God/Goddess. I suppose I'm also missing the supportive community of friends I had in CA - I have made a few good friends here, but I don't feel really supported at the moment. So I keep crying and freaking out every so often - I feel bad for R, he is absorbing a lot of my stress and I know he's tired and worried.

I think this goes back to me feeling emotionally and mentally tapped - I don't feel like I have the reserves to deal with everything that’s going on in my life right now and, without insurance, I can't afford a head shrinker to help me with it.